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[08 May 2005|08:47pm] |
We sat in my bedroom listening to an old mix I had made for this occasion before I realized the effect of your words on the stability of my insides. That night I held on with more than my fingertips as I watched myself grow small in the reflection of your tired eyes. You said "I dont know what we've started but i want it to last for a long long time." and I believed every word we ever said in the dark. I wanted to throw away my pessimistic intentions and smear that smile across your face with my lipstick, but I've failed so miserably and I've taken you in my back pocket to cushion the fall. You've written pages and pages of words from your heart and I steered it across landmines to fall apart before the periods and indentations could ever make sense. I'd like to sit and compromise with you, but there are so many things I hated about your facial expressions and the way you'd stress your syllables. You should have chased after my attention with your arms outstretched so I wouldn't fall back into old habits and leave you empty. Those eyes that followed my mouth as I told you "I want you to be okay if I. Don't. Come. Back.". And we sat on that goddamned cement bench until the undersides of my kneecaps dug into its ridges and I became a thin slate of apologies and arguments.
"I'm not gonna fucking just fucking leave it all now.
You said it'd be forever, and that was your vow."
-The Streets.
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[03 May 2005|06:54pm] |
No more boyfriend.
Now it's me time.
I'll be seventeen before I understand this, eighteen before I can feel the words slipping through my lips. I'll be too close for comfort before I realize the effect I can have on you. I'm needy when I'm without you, but I'm restless when I am. I can never put my emotions into words, so I muffle your vision with my grammer and run-on sentenses. You're the only one who knows exactly what I need and I hate that you do.
This weekend is promised to be amazing,
And I'm counting on it
Desperatly.
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[02 May 2005|09:24pm] |
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I like surrounding myself with strangers because they don't know what an asshole I really am.
I'm becoming more and more short with my boyfriend, and I don't mean any of it.
I care about him alot, and it's making me find stupid quirks in his sentences and hand motions to keep me from falling for anyone but select band-members or male model.
I'm so pathetic right now.
He gets his lisence tomarrow,
And we're going on a date this friday.
It should be good, we've talked things out and I like the way he likes to talk.
We contradict eachother, and he is constantly trying to rationalize everything I say,
But it's fun, and I enjoy his facetious remarks.
I'll write something articulate and meaningful in a few days.
I have a 3.57 gpa, and my Mom is really happy.
My life is like a Sylvan Commercial.
This past weekend wasn't that great because of my need of Applepie when I'm stuck with Poptarts.
I can talk in code like nobody's business.
Evan from Temecula's band Jupiter played at the Epicentre and I didn't get to stay for the dance party.
But i've assured them I'd be back the next time they're in town.
My dad is doing great.
I love my Step Sister and her frustrated attempts to pick fights with me.
She's one of my favorite people on this earth.
Including Becca, Alyson and Lauren.
Before I die i'm going to spend a year in Italy.
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[12 Mar 2005|03:15pm] |
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mood |
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 envious |
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He followed the closed doors to the open bedroom I laid myself to sleep a few hours in advance. I was wrapped in black cotton sheets, to mimic your mouth against my back and opened the window to regulate your breathing. I didn't know you liked the way I arranged our pictures in plastic containers my mother had given me, but you cut through the taped seal to look through it now smiling.
In my dream you were still in New York making faces through parked car windows at a young girl with long legs and a strapless black dress, while I was here, making faces into the mirror wondering where my face shape went wrong. The same eyes that came together in the dark while I stopped conversation through parting lips.
You didn't want me to know you had come back to return the cds I made, and return my keys. It only seemed logical to take the latest plane and the earliest train into san diego and make friends with the cab that offered you his ears while you would rewind our memories, skipping the bad parts and cutting out vocabulary. For 72 minutes you could no longer find a love that would transend ours.
Quiet now you step, inside the walls that I found my childhood and the windows that you chipped with grey rocks. You noticed I had moved my bed away from the front window and up against the farthest wall. This made your heart fall into your diaphram, I had changed.
My hair was a little darker and my eyes a little colder. My finger nails were shorter and my clothes were new. I tried picking out the pieces of you in this room, but you were captured in the picture frames and in the floor boards where you taught me to dance and where to place my hips. We grew old together in this space, and I gave up trying to change these things and consentrated on myself for the first time in 10 months.
You put away the plastic picture box and came to my bedside. My back with still wrapped and turned away from you, and you remebered the way i'd pass over you just to watch you cut through your words like landmines. But you let me sleep and walked out of the bedroom with my key still in your hand and my cds in your back pocket.
You took the cab with another stranger back to the train station and onto a plane. New York was your home now and these pretty girls were your new late night beauty queens.
That girl from california will hold your california dreams, your california life, your califoria love. One day you might think of calling again, but by then we'll be two strangers from two different states. Tonight i'll dream of the time you sat outside my house till I came home from my Dad's to ask if i'd like to get icecream the next day because i didnt have my cell phone.
Our love was a fast song.
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[18 Dec 2004|11:52pm] |
I'm Thankful for this great night
and taking the long way home.
And long talks in movie theater lobbies.
And Italian men working at Liquor stores downtown telling us the five dollar bill isn't real.
I'm thankful for music that makes her cry in the back seat
and red lights.
And watching close friends run through Best Buy in ten seconds (15 minutes before we have to leave.)
And skipping a show to do it all over again tomarrow night.
I'm thankful for real people with real emotion and real ambition.
And my best friend.
I'm thankful for starbux coffee and having exact change,
and that old woman with massive hair.
And ice blocking and wrestling in an open field.
I'm thankful for his memories and pictures in my vanity drawer,
even if it does make me a little sad.
Tonight was a great night. Take care ♥
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[28 Nov 2004|01:23pm] |
Last night was fantastic.
I went to Starbux with Lauren after my parents left for the day.
I brought my new puppy, total chick magnet. But who needs chicks?
Saw Blane Todd swoons as I was passing to the bathroom like a total ass.
I was so convinced I’d marry him. Now he’s on college and dating the Subway Girl. Whata catch. Moving on.
Came home for just enough time to see my parents then went back out to Lauren’s house.
Her Mom is amazing and drove us to the Jumping Frog an hour after the show had started,
but we got in on time to catch Jordan’s band Mara Linn.
He was stunning. They were great.
But we missed Vela ):
We did get their cd free, though. Along with a couple others from that night.
New music posted eventually.
Hope everyone enjoyed themselves.
&& have a wonderful day.
Payphones anyone?
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[27 Nov 2004|02:54am] |
Car ride. Back alley. Parking lots.
Free food. "WOOB DOOBEY DOO".
Tonight I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe
"You want me? Well come on and break the door down."
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[18 Nov 2004|11:11pm] |
In class for the next week or so we’ll be reading Pride and Prejudice. Why I bring this up is very simple; it deals with love and the idea of being in love. I could not fathom a better topic to discuss for 45 minutes each day.
I want to trace the shadows of your collar bone with my fingertips. Oh, will you let me fall against your frame? I grow weak searching through your eyes and the once trenchant distinctions between right and wrong have been wrapped in celophane; stubbornly out of reach. I'm so hungry for answers my sides become agitated underneath your palm and i've captured the curve of your jawbone on the inside of my eyelids as a stollen reminder of how much I'll miss this when you're gone.
I have secrets you should know, but never will.
Like the time I told you I was a writer && not a lover; I lied.
Because truly; I want to fall in love.
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[15 Nov 2004|05:40pm] |
Things have gotten brighter since the last time I've lyed here and thought myself through playlists. It seems I'm getting better at talking myself through this; relationships & as if it comes as no surprise, I've decided to meet someone new. But don't count on me till tomarrow. I've actually been meaning to write a somewhat substantial post but lately my minds been shutting on and on - disabling me from writing coherent sentences.
This past weekend we've been having alot of time off from school, which is always great. Went out with a boy & friends Thursday to see Saw, again. Then Friday it was the football game but Alyson and I left early to Starbux where we chatted with Lauren. Then it was laurens for the rest of the night. My dad picked me up Saturday morning && later that night Ashley and I headed to the Epicentre to see Action! Action!. Goodbye Tomarrow played and they own the air I breathe like nobodys business. Anyways, I colored Ashley hair & used the rest for myself. That was the weekend.
Last night was not so good, though. I decided to call Evan around 10:30 because I just missed talking to him and thought it'd be nice to catch-up. But his phone charger was in his brothers car & his cell was about to die, so we couldn't talk. Then I had a dream about him having sex with my friend Lani and then me not being able to reach him. It was only bad because I didn't get any sleep and woke up the next morning (this morning) so tired. Well, I talked to him about it and we both kind of just laughed. Hopefully tonight I can take a hot bath and get some sleep.
Today Alyson and I had a date at lunch. She brought the headphones and we listened to Saosin. We have another date same time/place tomarrow. (: (:
Friday, hopefully I get to hang out with Brian & Alyson
Saturday I'm babysitting from 7pm-11pm
For Megan's birthday we're hopefully going to go up to Magic Mountain. This will be exceptional considering Ryan can come with us. That is, if I'm not already with someone down here in a month. But i dont know what those chances are, so i'm making plans to see him. Well thats about all i've got.
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[10 Nov 2004|11:35pm] |
So i really have nothing new to post; because well, i'm happy.
Here are some photos from today, love -jess
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[23 Oct 2004|11:48pm] |
Jelousy cuts at the meat on my insides, down my throat and reliably to my chest where i've tried so hard to keep the wreckage under my skin. Because I feel hopelessly honest. And i've learned all the things you're trying to keep, so i'll celebrate my distance and cover potholes with leaves and loose dirt so you wont suspect a thing. All I want is for someone to show up, because no one knows the meaning of showing up anymore. These are the reasons I lye below cotton sheets that i'll trade in for something heavier eventually, and think about him and him and him and why I dont have a certain someone but many other numbers that don't mean a thing. I'll listen to a mix cd that spills out remedies through ballots i'll digest and hopefully; come to understand. Why do we do that? How about something real and raw and situations remarkable instead of replaceable. The connection of two people through horizons and sparks; where sonnets and lovenotes couldn't mimic this shape if they tried. I'm through with switchblades and the idea of opening myself up to someone I won't care about in the upcoming months; i give this three days. I don't ever want to be here again. There will be no such thing as thinning my life out into long-stories-short to impress. When I find that someone special i'm keeping everything secret. Heres to declarations of missed love like cliff-hangers and i'm sorry your heart and your eyes couldnt follow this pattern.
I'm happy
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[14 Oct 2004|05:28pm] |
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The weather keeps me indoors and my bedroom walls laugh in my face but it doesnt really matter, I'm already awake. it takes a long time just to get this all straight. i put one of our pictures back up because i think i can look at it again no matter what happens, but maybe thats just wishful thinking. i'm so relieved by yesterday and the words you gave me but at the same time i feel all the more vulnerable. if you can fix me up we'll go a long way. i dont think my body has ever been so rude to me as it has this week. i hate the bathroom floors and the way towels are never the right touch against my back. more than anything. i have faith, intentions, optimism, mix cds, friends and a best friend that shows her love in the strangest ways and always when i need it the most. i have a mouth i need to learn to use more often. but ive never wanted to change for anyone until now so whether thats good or bad its got to say something. take my love in these small doses.
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[07 Oct 2004|10:06am] |
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So things are working out really really really well and I can't wait to see what's going to happen in the next couple of weeks. Homecoming is also ahead and Darin is coming with me to that :). But as for halloween?? I'm not sure what the plan is as long as im not forced into any haunted houses! haha.. well im at home right now, sick and tired. Mainly tired because i havent slept most nights. Telephone conversations till past 2am, but its so much fun. The past couple of conversations ive laughed so hard I'd wake up with cramps in my stomach. There are so many things to look forward to and I cant wait! Love everyone
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[03 Oct 2004|12:11pm] |
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Impress me. Hands to our sides & awkward goodbyes. We used to be so much better than this. Not impressed.
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[01 Oct 2004|11:37pm] |
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mood |
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guilty |
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After combing through lost paragraphs and heaps of impossible possibilities, I noticed you missed my hint by a long shot. From what’s left of yesterdays and times I should have said something more than nothing, “here we go again”. I think I’d rather fall into fantasy and catchy beats, than your red lights and long eyelashes. So starting with disk one, I’ll send you messages through headphones; in this song you’ll find every reason to agree. I just hope when you’ve find your way through the melodies you can more or less sympathize with my changing mind. And I know its hard singing along when you don’t understand the words. I write through the dark and sleep through showers and never really ever paid attention to dreams, but I write like I’ve lived this a thousand times. And yes I think about you constantly, but I also worry because disappointment travels long distance and burns my ears. I hate hearing you say it’s “okay” when it’s not. I’ll try my hardest to slow it down but sometimes I talk so fast I stumble over vocabulary and laugh to my insides when no ones looking. I can be foolish and impetuous but Its only because I fall victim to awkward silences. You have to understand; I often make plans and promises I can’t keep just to keep you around. Maybe I should feel guilty I can’t accompany you tonight. I just don’t like stepping into crowded rooms with faces so unfamiliar; nauseated smiles and open windows.
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[27 Sep 2004|06:00pm] |
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Hey coffee eyes, you’ve got me coughin’ up my cookie heart. And I’m crawled up in a corner because there’s no room underneath my bed. This is the way I say I think you’re cute. And I’ve got my feelings written down with a circle around your name. No, this isn’t the first time; I’m just having fun. And I’ll I can justify is how much I’d rather you stay here. Your body will show up soon. Get one thing straight. I’m only as amazing as the one-way ticket to know-where-fast. Because I will be gone the moment I’m legal, this isn’t attachement, I’m only waiting. Love everyone. But keep them far away from your heart. Just let me down from this optimistic high; when I said “just go home. just go.” I really mean I can’t wait to see you in ten years during dinner with my fiance and fall in love. But, Past this. A never-ending field of the same red flower. In the middle will be a very large tree of unknown origin that will have red leaves and its blossoms will float in midair as high as the eye can see. Meet me under that tree and I am so, yours. & honestly, sometimes I wish I never agreed to any of this. The calls, the meetings, the planning, the promises. But they say that when this person is gone. You ache. You long for their touch. Embrace. Tight. Close. Profound. Pay no attention, I'm only saying everything you couldn't see behind my eyes.
The other day I noticed the way the sunlight refects off the windshield and your eyes become a lighter shade of blue. Now i'm waiting for your phonecall but Im guessing it'll be late. Its always late. And i'm always wishing you'll call when you won't.
Take care
Turn me on/off.
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[19 Sep 2004|12:03am] |
Him: Its my favorite part of the day, driving you.
Her: Its my saddest part of the day, leaving you.
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| She'd ask; is this too soon? |
[14 Sep 2004|11:13pm] |
She laid on her bed and twirled the phone cord between her fingers as she listened to him talk. with her leg crossed over her opposite knee, she's never looked so alive. and this time when he drives on aimlessly to unfamiliar places, it won't be alone. this time she will hold his hand. because they're still young. and she's still trying to convince herself that [someday a boy will want her for nothing more than what she is] someday a boy will like her without malicious intentions. someday a boy will love her, without the reasons that make it hard to speak when your tongues are stopping sentences. But she's got to be careful. the last guy who promised to tape up her heart, took the scissors instead & hung the pieces on her wall. it was art. And even now she remembers the bed of his truck and the swings they would raced higher and higher till she mirrored the ground. She asked him how tall he was and she liked the way his head rested against the swing chain as he almost fell asleep without her. They walked down dark streets farther and farther from the car just to make conversation between footsteps and she would remember to leave her phone. She was unreachable by everyone but the boy who held her hand and hummed to songs she wasn't familiar with. It was the idea that she wasn't supposed to be here, right now and here they were; again. Now she's bursting at the seams with this tremendous amount of ambition, it's almost cheap how she wants some things so badly. Because everytime they spent these nights they weren't looking for safer plans, but softer insides and easier words. They drove down streets she didn't remember passing, and empty buildings where street lamps reflected the windows like flash photography that would capture the time they danced on the sidwalk.
You spun me around and I came back to you. Is this too soon?
"And you were the outline
of everything you would become.
The keeper of these hands.
To hold you now
it is a far cry more than anything that I deserve."
.Further.Seems.Forever.
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| My perfect boyfriend |
[07 Sep 2004|06:39pm] |
[x] What would his name be - Do i really have control of that? ha ha ha how about.. Jude Law
_ SECTiON ONE - PHYSiCAL APPEARANCE
[x] About how tall would he be - tall, maybe around 5'11 - 6'3
[x] Shoe size - I dont really care, if he's tall i'd imagine he'd have preportioned feet?
[x] Skinny or fat - im not one for the bigger boys, not against them either
[x] Buff or normal - eh not too big
[x] Six pack - sure
[x] Hair style - i'm a sucker for hair, colored and choppy
[x] Color hair - black or planinum blonde
[x] Eye color - i've never dated a boy without brown eyes, a change would be nice. I think green eyes are beautiful
[x] Dark, Tan, or Light Skin - fair or tan
[x] Glasses or contacts - i like glasses
[x] Piercings - Yes, but would my parents approve of him? Probubly not
[x] Braces or no braces - i like braces, its a disablily
[x] Scars - yes right about his left temple about 6.7mm in length what the heck, no
[x] Eyebrows - well-kept
[x] Big butt or little butt - tight jeans work for little butts
[x] Chest hair - unless we're swimming, he'll be keeping his shirt on. So, naturally this is not a concern of mine.
[x] Do you really care what he looks like - i'm picky. shoot me
_ SECTiON TWO - PERSONALiTY
[x] Nice or mean - Nice but someone who wont be afraid to pretend fight. yeah
[x] Would he be caring - of course
[x] Is he the sensitive type or the kinky type - i get turned off if a guy is OVERLY sensitive. He cant be start talking about stars and rainbows till after we've been together for a while.
[x] Would he be afraid to show his feelings - most of the time, but not when we're alone
[x] Jealous - no, confidence is attractive
[x] Flirty - very
[x] Protective - if it were necessary
[x] Funny or serious - hilarious and random, but knows how to hold a deep conversation when the time comes.. is that asking too much? hah.
[x] Outgoing or shy - outgoing x10393
[x] Lazy - i like lazy
[x] Sarcastic or sincere - you HAVE to be sarcastic because i'm rediculously so.
[x] Would he swear - i dont too much, actually no
_ SECTiON THREE - SOCiAL // SCHOOL
[x] Does he have a lot of girl friends - i really wouldnt mind
[x] Would he hang out with you or his friends - sure
[x] Would he hang out with your friends - if they like him. i mean of COURSE they'd like him.
[x] Would he have a lot of friends - why not
[x] Smart or stupid - smart, ive dated the stupids.. idiots.
[x] Would he play sports - no
[x] Would he put his friends before you- yes, because i might do the same, in some circumstances.
[x] Would he drink - if he were responsible. and if i knew he were going to be doing it.
[x] Would he smoke - no, never
[x] Would he do drugs - no, never
[x] Would he tell you he loves you - i dont mind him saying he loves me after some time. but i dont want to hear "i'm in love with you". please dont. ive had enough experience from being in love to write for years.
[x] Would he act different around his friends - if it werent disrespectful. i mean im weird-er around my friends. aw i love my friends.
_ SECTiON FOUR - WHEN HE`S WiTH YOU
[x] Hold hands - yes
[x] Kiss you - kiss is not sucking my face off. ew
[x] Hug you from behind - suure
[x] Would he call you 'hunny, sweety, baby' - i like dear, or love, and sweetheart
[x] Will he walk you to the door - not usually
[x] Will he open doors for you - im not a stickler for those kinds of things, but if he does, thats nice
[x] Will he pull out chairs for you - no haha
[x] Would he surprise you - if he were coming to surprise me in the middle of the night to talk on the sidewalk. sure
[x] Remember your anniversary - i've only remembered one anniversary, ever. it wont be that important
[x] Would he lay under the stars with you - yes
[x] Watch the sunrise with you - if we were ever together that late, which i doubt it.
[x] Write love letters - nothing lame like, i was looking outside and saw a tree and it reminded me of your hair in the breeze. hah.
[x] Write poems about you - if my name is never mentioned
[x] Would he cook for you - that'd be nice
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[06 Sep 2004|09:25am] |
What do you expect when you expect the worst?
Remember what we sung along to on the car ride home. Do you remember?
"Secrets don't make friends."
Idiot.
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